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Clay

If you dont count God and my parents and my sibling, I guess I am blessed enough to say my wife. we have been together in relationship for about 10 years, a romantic one for 9 of those years.

 

Well, looks like I made it through the Commission on Ministry. In the Episcopal World, this is a community that helps you discern whether or not your true vocation and gifts are compatible with the Priesthood.

So here I am..................I made it....................oh boy.................now what?

I guess I should be concentrating on selling the house, taking the GRE, visiting the two seminaries that my Diocese allows Postulants (Postulant.....that is my new title type thingy) to attend. I should be doing all of these things, but I am staring at all of this stuff and I am freaking out just a bit.

I dont mean the kind of freaking out thing that people do when they have made a mistake- like the realization I had when I realized the Jeep Liberty I bought was incredibly BAD (bad experience all around) and I was stuck with a lemon. It is not the freak out that occurs when one looks at a partner and goes this relationship was not and is not a good idea.

No, this freaking out is the type that one gets when someone is getting just what they asked for. Like bungee jumping, skiing that impossible ridge. Just like the novice skydiver. The skydiver who wanted to jump out of airplanes and planned and saved for jumping out of airplanes (with a parachute- of course) and they stand at the exit of that perfectly good airplane and go-
 
wait....................should I........I'm doing what?...........................You know life was easy down there- on land..........Oh, what the hell..........................GO!

This is the familiar freaking out that is happening, it is unavoidable, but there is a way to acknowledge the inner freak and just GO!


The relief that saves me from the freak fest in my head, is a thing that Mother Margaret Neil calls a "Tent meeting". This meeting harkens back to the Old Testament practice of Prophets meeting with God, or Yahweh, in a tent to discuss and decide important matters. These were usually heavy meetings dealing with life death, war and famine and I was not very completely sure this would be a destressing practice. Sounds like volunteering for a tax audit to me. Imagine a church bureaucrat giving you stale coffee and stating in mock sympathy  "There doesnt seem to be enough Faith on line 56 on Form 86B?
 
Well- this is not what she meant. She explained to me that these meetings in the the tent were about everyday life. In other words, talking to God- everyday- is a good and comforting thing. Prayer is great, petitioning for reconciliation is the back bone of the Episcopal Church- we have a Book of Common Prayer and it is great- better than sliced bread. (Bad analogy, not a big fan of sliced bread, but you get the picture). We have even schismed over the Book of Common Prayer. So, it is fair to say that prayer is that big of a deal.
But, I dont know if I am talking about prayer.. I think I am talking about the normal conversations we have on a daily basis with our friends and family. After all, is God not "God the Father"? If we strive to engage with the presence of the Holy Spirit, how can we fail?

I think that during all of this freaking out, it might benefit me to remember that God is with me and it will all be OK. I am never alone. We can accomplish anything when we encounter the divine. Whether that is the Buddha, Allah, Krishna, the Great Spirit, or Christ we can accomplish anything by absorbing the real presence of God.

So, I will keep my freaking out to minimum- and just trust and go to my daily meeting place.

I wonder if God likes Coffee.....................................

 

I am on retreat at Mepkin Abbey in South Carolina as I begin this writing. It is a much needed retreat. During the summer I have had many responsibilities given to me at my parish and through the Diocese of East Carolina. They are much too mundane and sound as a litany of complaint to list them all, so I will spare you and anyone else the itemized list. I do feel comfortable in saying that it has been hectic.

All of these responsibilities bring me to make a comparison about responsibilities in my spiritual vocation and those of everyday life. As I dwell more and more into the Gospels themselves and into the sacred activism of Christ; I feel more inclined to be a person who follows and Shepard others to Christ through works of social justice in the world, as well as the sacraments and not through contemplation.

This is where the comparison comes in and the appreciation of my year as an Associate in the Order of Julian comes to life. When I work on the projects assigned to me, or requested of me, I am a frenzy of activity. There are many deadlines to meet, as well as liturgies, dioceses communications issues, not to mention a refugee family from Burma, counting on me to make aspects of all projects happen. This is not to mention my "day job" as a teacher. Sometimes during this process you can lose site of what is really the most important things in your life. This is where my wife and two young children come into play. While I am out there trying to "heal the world'; I can not look away from those nearest me. I must help them and receive their help and comfort in these times of activity and discernment. The comparison that I want to make concerning my love for social activism, the Gospel, and Christ Jesus and the order is the same as my need for action coupled with my need for family.

While working constantly on the outreach and mission of the church, I have at times found myself forgetting why I had started this in the first place. Moving furniture for a refugee family can easily start to feel like manual labor if you lose sight of the big picture of hospitality and the messages of the Gospel. The contemplative and disciplined nature of the order has done allot to help me feel more of the presence of Christ not only at my place of prayer, but at the church office, computer, the phone and the back of a moving van.

I must admit there was a time when I doubted my affiliation with a strictly contemplative order. I have felt that social justice, and sacred activism where the key to being close to Christ. I even considered discerning for the Third order of Franciscans. I have decided against that now. The time I experienced those feelings has made me a stronger Associate and made me realize that while Christ calls me to act, Dame Julian helps me appreciate the action.        

 

Mother Margaret Neill, my mentor throughout the second half of my time as an Aspirant, suggested that I take a spiritual retreat. We thought that a retreat that offered a fair amount of structure would be preferable. I have always been interested in the Trappist, due to my immense respect for Thomas Merton. So, we reasoned that Mepkin Abbey in South Carolina would be just the place. Before I went, I had a pastoral care meeting with my rector Fr. John Pollock. We discussed my insanely hectic summer and my need for rest. He told me just go and relax and see what comes of it and don't expect a Medieval History or The Name of The Rose type of experience. So with that advice, I set out for South Carolina with my Mapquest Directions, which after trying to follow them- I needed a retreat.

When I arrived at the Monastery, I was a little more than nervous. I am an extrovert by nature and it was incredibly silent, almost eerily so. I felt alone and confused. But, happily this all changed.

When I first arrived in the Refectory to eat, many retreatants were sitting quietly, but smiling at you with their whole being. This was especially true of the Monks. When it was time for Vespers, I was enthralled. It was full of incense, chanting (although a post Vatican II type, .............it sounded like Donovan), wonderful readings- Piety with Love. It was rest for the soul and my mind. I attended most services over the 3 days I was there, but the revelation came under the Live Oaks that were draped with Spanish Moss.

The revelation was one of Christ, and what I did wrong at the first COM ( Episcopal Commision on Ministries- the body of Priests and Laity who decides whether you go to Seminary ...or not) I attended. The Christ centered piece of the puzzle is hard to explain. But, before I had always thought of God and felt the Holy Spirit- but Christ is a little more difficult. I knew that Christ was/ is  divine, but had I really accepted Christ as my Personal Savior?- I don't mean to sound "born again" or anything like that- but is Christ the divine authority- through the Gospels- in my life? Is that authority above the law of man? Will I be willing to sacrifice for the Gospel?  I had never asked myself these, and many other, questions before. The revelation is- yes I can and will, and I know I can lead a congregation closer to God, while they lead me closer to God. It will be scary, uncomfortable, and disappointing, but I pray it will be rewarding and the realization of vocation for me.

I also know what I did wrong at the first COM, I never said those things. It was not from the gut- it was from the head- and that was not the way to approach this. Can you explain Christ's love for us to a parishioner using Tillich. Some can, I'm sure, but that's what Seminary is for and I'm not there yet. I have to open my vocation to the Committee and let God take me where God wishes.

I don't know if this has made any sense what so ever, but I knew something wonderful happened in South Carolina. I am ready to move forward, if that's what God wants.

I would spin 30 minutes with yoga and then 30 minutes in prayer. O rmaybe wrestling with the kids and the prayer of action with more playing with the kids

A Homily that I heard on Sunday reminded me of one of my all time favorite quotes:

" The step between Ecstatic Vision and Sinful Frenzy is all to brief"- Umberto Eco

This quote reminds me of the problems that our spirituality, whether secular or non secular, that we must confront and come to grips with all of the time. The problem is an inability to bend. Is our spirituality a reed blowing with the winds of our times that rejuvinates with nurturing or a brittle unyielding concrete pillar? When our spirituality (whether beliefs, faith, or the absence of any) becomes unyeilding it breeds intolerence and a type of legalistic dogma that does not reconcile, it seperates. All of the great faith and spiritual traditions expound love over hate, and compassion over intolerance. No matter what tradition one walks in- the view of the higher truth (whether it be mindfulness, God, compassion, or humanities oneness with nature) always shows forth a route laced with compassion.

This is where the quote comes in- 

While we are all wrapped in the ecstasy of being a part of something larger, something divine, we must watch to make sure that these intense feelings of inclusivness and enlightenment do not put us into a frame of mind that breeds predjudice and condesention. This is the sinfullness of exclusive sects. Sects that condemn one to hell (or at least  the secular contention that one is destined to live a life of stupidity) really miss the point of the inclusivness and reconciliation of spirituality.
 
In November, I was lucky enough to be able to attend the installation  of the Episcopal Churches' new Presiding Bishop, Katharine Jefferts Shori at the National Cathedral.
While there I was overjoyed to see representatives of all of some of the great faith traditions. Buddhist, Moslem, Hindu, Jewish and many different sects of my own tradition Christainity. This made me feel very much a part of a community which values and respects other faith traditions. According to Joan Chittister, other faith traditions have insights that are different from ours, these insights do not make us any less of an adherent to our own traditions. They can even bolster our own adherence to our respective traditions and add to our own spiritual maturity. She continues-"After all, we dont have gods, we have God" and I will add- "if God is love- dont we all have love?" Is love, no matter what tradition or way it shows up, not an ecstatic vision for the world?   

So the weekend was interesting, we were blessed with a visit from my brother in laws, sister in law and my new nephew. It was a challenging weekend in one respect, though. Changing Baby Sleep patterns........my heart ached for the intreped new parents as they very sweetly navigated the harrowing sleep deprived nights of baby- little Will in a new place.

As sleep deprived as I was, I probably looked worse for the wear than they did, being a sleep whimp, seeing that my card carrying status of newborn sleep warrior had been revoked about two years ago. I now have massive problems making it through Mystery! on sunday nights. But, I digress. This all affected Church on a very different level than I had expected. When I arrived in Church, I remembered that it was Trinity Sunday and I knew the sermon would be based on very dense Athanasian Theology sprinkled with a dab of Augustine, with a garnish of Patrick's Shamrock (like Porterhouse, Mashed Potatoes,  Cheesecake, with a milkshake- good while going down, but rough on the system- albeit theological- 15 minutes later). My mind was already racing when my Priest climbed into the pulpit, I braced for the theological valium and was in fear for my lucidity. But, I was so surprised and awakened by what my  Priest said that I was moved to think about the Trinity and God's trinitarian nature. So here goes some electronic valium from me to you-

To contemplate the Trinity I am finding that I must get away from the idea of three seperate beings. In many protestant traditions, including the Methodism of my youth, you hear "sweet Jesus" and "my lord Jesus" not a lot of God the Father mentioned. In more Pentacostal groups I hear a lot about the Holy Spirit moving through them- but not alot of the God the Father. With Pentacostals this makes perfect sense, their "denomination" takes it's founding theology from the book of Acts which is very heavy on the Holy Spirit.  these are very wonderful views of God and valid. But, I wonder if  when we identify, through either theology or tradition, with a certain Trinitarian incarnation of God we, I think, are putiing God into a mighty "small box" as Presiding Bishop Katharine Jefferts Shori called it.

When I say that we are putiing God into a box we are limiting God's capabilities, or at least not recognizing them. The Trinity that demands that we attempt to take in all of the aspects and grandness of God and God's omnipetience is a concept of action not of being. The deed or "factum" basis for understanding the Trinity is one of recognizing the actions of God- the things that touch us and our being to the core. These actions bring the cold theology of being into the action of creation, turning water into wine, the raising of the dead, the feeding of the multitude, the reedemption and sacrifice, and hopefully the eradication of poverty in our lifetimes. 

When we speak of God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit; are we not speaking of God the Creator, the Son as the Advocate, Mediator and Redeemer, and the Holy Spirit as Speaker and Mover? So how does this explanation that sounds like a corporate mystical job description define our triune God? If we take all of the water in the Universe and try to water down the Trinity (and Im sure no amount would do it, but indulge me) we can see the difference. We have all heard the adage "that is what I do, not who I am".  When one examines the Triune God through the lense of  "factum" we can see how when one is at work he or she is a teacher, soldier, doctor etc., but they still maintain a reality that is seperate from what they do. I was once in the Coast Guard, so at one time I was a rescuer, I am also a father, and at the same time I am a teacher, but I am and always will be "me". If we take this very pale analogy and apply it to the Trinity, we can see the Father and the Acts of Creation, and the Acts of Judgement, We see Christ and we see the God through the action of incarnation into the flesh and the action of redeeming the world, we can see, or more accurately feel, the Holy Spirit teach move and speaking to us. When we accept God' s role as an active part in our lives, not just a thing on the perifiery that gives laws and judges us at the end, we can act   and work for the creation of God's Heaven on Earth. We can understand that our God is a god of Action and as his people  we are a people of action. If the easier and literal definition of God from the Gospel of John is "God is Love", let's put the love of God into Action and get to work.

The following is an op ed piece written by the Presiding Bishop of the Episcopal Church, Katharine Jefferts Shori, for the San Francisco Chronicle on May 20, 2007 

Before I became a priest, I was a professor of oceanography. One of the things I learned was that oceanographers couldn't just study squid or fish in isolation. We had to study interconnected systems. We had to understand not only the animals' environment, such as the water, but its chemistry and circulation, the atmosphere above the ocean and the geology below it. And that, I believe, is how we must understand our world: We must see everything, and everyone, as interconnected and intended by God to live in relationship.

Two of the most significant crises facing our world -- climate change and deadly poverty -- offer an example of such interconnectedness. By understanding how the two crises, and the people they affect, are connected, we can begin to understand how humanity can triumph over both. Extreme poverty -- that is, poverty that kills -- afflicts more than a billion of God's people around the world. Nearly 30,000 of these people will die today. That's 1 every 3 seconds. The factors that propel this kind of deadly poverty include hunger, diseases like AIDS and malaria, conflict, lack of access to education, and basic inequality. Climate change threatens to make the picture even more deadly. As temperature changes increase the frequency and intensity of severe-weather events around the world, poor countries -- which often lack infrastructural needs like storm walls and water-storage facilities -- will divert previous resources away from fighting poverty in order to respond to disaster. Warmer climates will also increase the spread of diseases like malaria and tax the ability of poor countries to respond adequately. Perhaps most severely, changed rain patterns will increase the prevalence of drought in places like Africa, where only 4 percent of cropped land is irrigated, leaving populations without food and hamstrung in their ability to trade internationally to generate income.

Conversely, just as climate change will exacerbate poverty, poverty also is hastening climate change. Most poor people around the world lack access to a reliable-energy source, an imbalance that must be addressed in any attempt to lift a community out of poverty. Unfortunately, financial necessity often forces the choice of energy sources such as oil and coal that threaten to expand significantly the world's greenhouse emissions and thus accelerate the effects of climate change. This cycle -- poverty that begets climate change, and vice versa -- threatens the future of all people, rich and poor alike, and of all things in the world that God so loves.

This relationship between deadly poverty and the health of creation was not lost on the world's leaders when, at the turn of the 21st century, they committed to an ambitious yet attainable plan to cut global poverty in half by 2015. This plan, which established the eight Millennium Development Goals, included a specific pledge to create environmental sustainability. 2007 marks the halfway point in the world's effort to achieve these goals, and while progress has been impressive in some places, we're nowhere close to halfway there. President Bush and other world leaders have made bold commitments, but many of them have yet to be realized. How can the United States help put the world back on track?

First, our nation should make good on the promises it has made to expand foreign aid targeted at fighting poverty, cancel the debts of poor countries and seek fairer international-trade rules that allow people living in poverty to empower themselves in the fight against poverty.

Second, our nation's leaders should recognize the emerging consensus that we can no longer ignore our role in safeguarding the health and balance of God's creation. We must take seriously our share in the global responsibility for reducing carbon emissions, and work with other nations to provide the resources and technology transfers that will allow poor countries to address their energy needs through clean-energy sources that will not hasten the rate of climate change.

Of course, it is not the United States alone that needs to deliver. When the leaders of the G8 meet in early June in Germany, climate change will be at the top of their agenda. The health and well-being of Africa is also on the agenda, but much further down. Now is an ideal time for Americans to write, call, or e-mail President Bush and urge him to work with other leaders in the G8 to consider climate change and deadly poverty side-by-side as facets of the same problem. The good news is that Americans are getting involved like never before. Faith communities like the Episcopal Church, from which I come, are organizing in communities all over the country, as are citizens from many other walks of life. Millions of Americans have joined the call for comprehensive solutions to poverty through efforts like ONE: The Campaign to Make Poverty History, and groups like the UN Millennium Campaign are working with citizens in all parts of the world. To be successful, though, the effort needs even more voices. It needs all of us.

At the very beginning of the Judeo-Christian Scriptures, we hear of God's creation of the universe and his proclamation that the whole of it is very good. Ultimately, this story is an account of relationships: the bond of love between God and the world, and the interconnectivity of all people and all things in that world. It is only when we take seriously those relationships -- when we realize that all people have a stake in the health and well-being of all others and of the Earth itself -- that creation can truly begin to realize the abundant life that God intends for every one of us.

The Most Rev. Katharine Jefferts Schori
Presiding Bishop and Primate
The Episcopal Church

Of course it is.....................

I call it God.